Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
