I wish I could punch you in the face.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
