Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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