grandma shit on top of the toilet
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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