If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
