sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Pooping to opera.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
