I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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