9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
