I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
