i permit you to call me
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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