I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
