A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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