Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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