Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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