You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
