she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
