I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
