Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
