one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
