i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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