Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Randomize
