Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
