you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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