Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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