shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
