Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
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i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
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I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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