i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
