Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You need a sexual gate keeper
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
