if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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