dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I don't think brook has ever known best
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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