i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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