Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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