New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
