She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
