he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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