listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
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those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
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I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.