you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
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No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
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So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...