She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
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It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
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Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?