Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
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Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
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In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call