textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
