How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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