i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
