did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
