I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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