we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
