People in love make me want to vomit
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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