why didn't you poke me back
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
