When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
