I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
