okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
