I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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