The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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