Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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