Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
