The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
