barbara walters just said penis...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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