I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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