he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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