I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Randomize
