I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
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